I feel so bad and so sad and so stupid. A week ago I was going around singing and dancing and smiling. Had so much energy and verve. Anything was possible. I could fly to the sun if I wanted. And that was where I was headed. Cos that was what he was. This golden boy. Tall as a tree and beautiful as an angel, he shone with warmth and joy and he made me feel blessed to be around him. Who cares if it’s lust not love. Who cares if all it is is desire, want, need – as long as it’s the truth. As long as it’s genuine. If something makes you feel so good you shouldn’t question it. Unless of course you’re female and you happen to be much older, like a few decades older. Shouldn’t matter should it. If you both like each other and want to be together it shouldn’t matter. No-one frowns on older men going out with younger women. And you would think in these times people would be less prejudiced. But no. Not even some of my liberal, feminists friends can hide the disapproval from their voice. You’re nearly twice his age. They’ll call you a paedophile. He’s too young. There’s no future. People will talk. You’ll be laughed at. Humiliated. It’s amazing how people get the ability to see into the future when they feel they’ve got the moral high ground. It’s shocking how prejudiced we are towards an older woman taking a young lover. Can’t deny I felt twisted up about it too. It did feel uncomfortable and I did wonder why. Maybe it’s the last of the sexual stigmas. No-one would dare frown on a same sex relationship or a mixed race relationship but an older woman and a younger man is essentially seen as immoral, dirty, disgusting, wrong, bad, unacceptable. A bit like single mothers were in the 50s. I was illegitimate in a time when bastard children and unmarried mothers were looked upon as immoral as prostitution. Possibly worse because at least prostitutes hadn’t the stigma of being a burden on the state. Or being the crucible for all he ills of society. The family unit has always been upheld as a platform for a stable and healthy society. Every fucking prime minister has banged on about it, usually whilst they’ve been banging their mistress. It’s only been the last ten years that single parents and their offspring have been dropped from no. 1 scapegoat slot. Guess who is up there now! Yep. It’s your dirty rotten immigrants. Theresa May what the fuck are you playing at letting in foreigners to steal our crown. I’m not particularly orthodox, never have been, birthright I guess. But sadly I’ve given into the pressure. I’m not going to be a harlot as well as bastard. I closed my wings and fell like a stone. And caused some pain to a rather lovely boy. Maybe it is for the best, as everyone keeps saying. Maybe they’ve got a point but it is incredible how when women behave the same as men they still get tarred. Wonder how many women have bottled it and given in. Learn a lesson though. Conformity feels shit. Don’t like it. Not at all. It sucks like a Dyson. Given a second chance I wouldn’t jump into bed with it again. I’ll go for the sun. Rather risk getting burned than sit in the shade with the weeds.
Anyone got any reading tips that could help me??? Not Scandal tho.